Filling That Void

I’ve never been in this position before, and it’s a completely new ballgame for me that I’m still trying to figure out. Some days I enjoy being able to do what I want, go where I want to go, and just be. But then again, I always did that when I had AJ to begin with... 

So, how do you fill that void when your child isn’t with you? 

AJ has always come everywhere with me, he went to my out of state trips, he went on all of my errand running, all of my Target shopping sprees and helped me pick out snacks at the grocery store. Now, I have a couple of weeks without him and I don’t know what to do with myself. There’s this void in my life that I can’t seem to fill.  

Everyone tells me to enjoy my free time, that I will miss it when he comes back from visiting with everyone. But I can’t. Our FaceTime calls just make me miss him more and I just get in this funk that I can’t seem to get out of. 

What did I do before having kids? 

Seriously, I can’t picture it anymore. Sure, my college days were fun and going out with friends partying was the thing back then but it’s not me anymore. I don’t know how to handle being alone or without my child, because for the past 4 years I wasn’t. 

Even though Antonio and I have always done long distance or never seen each other, I was used to that. I’m not used to this though, I’m not used to not taking AJ with me every where I go, or having to bribe him out of wanting the most expensive toy he finds at the store, or letting him steal my computer because he likes typing when I’m working. It’s though little things that I can’t handle not having.

So how do you deal with it?  Because, I’m not doing well. I can’t fill this void.

I have tried hanging out with people, exploring new places, going to the beach and relaxing, or just walking through the trails with the dogs. I feel good for a moment, but then it all comes back. I have lost count on how many TV series I go through at night because I’m used to having a toddler cuddle me to sleep, and I don’t even want to admit my phone screen time as I vote in the Shoot & Share contest this past week. 

I’m so used to so much chaos, that I crave it now that things are a little too calm. My grocery trips take half the amount of time and what do I do with that extra? I’m having a hard tome adjusting to no schedules, no battles, and bribes.

I’m ready for these couple weeks to be over with already. Give me the chaos again.